Karis Gust:
Probably 80% of the residents that I talk to who are currently in assisted living, when they move in, they say, boy, I should have done this a long time ago. And that’s OK. It’s sometimes hard to hear because, you know, maybe they could have stayed in assisted living longer, or maybe they could have, I guess, I don’t know what it could have been.
But they realize the benefits of being in assisted living. They’re getting more support. They’re having opportunities to socialize with other people. And that’s something that they realize once they get there that had been severely lacking in their lives.
Cassie Alvine (announcer):
This is the “Health and Wellness” podcast brought to you by Sanford Health. The conversation today is about caregiver burnout and recognizing when it might be time to consider assisted living. Our guest is Karis Gust with the Good Samaritan Society. Our host is Alan Helgeson with Sanford Health News.
Alan Helgeson (host):
Welcome to our podcast today, and our topic is tips to avoid caregiver burnout and really recognizing when it might be time to consider assisted living. And joining us is Karis Gust, and Karis is with Good Samaritan Society. Karis, thank you for joining us.
Karis Gust (guest):
Thank you for having me.
Alan Helgeson:
Well, can you tell us what your title is with Good Samaritan Society?
Karis Gust:
Yes, I am a nursing and clinical services consultant. I cover assisted living specifically. So this topic is right in my bailiwick or whatever you want to call it.
Alan Helgeson:
OK.
Karis Gust:
My backyard.
Alan Helgeson:
So every day you’re dealing with folks that are going, alright, here’s where I’m at. This is all new. Help me sort all this stuff out. Right?
Karis Gust:
Absolutely. Every day. Yep.
Alan Helgeson:
Because people are always moving into this topic because, you know, we’re growing up and there’s always some amazing statistic about the graying of America. And the Baby Boomers are getting older and needing more health services, right?
Karis Gust:
Yep. They absolutely are. We’re, you know, the gray tsunami. I mean, we’re not really seeing that as much yet. But what we are seeing is that certainly people have needs and people want to stay in their homes as long as possible. And I’ll be one of those people too, I’m sure. My parents are.
But the bottom line is none of us are getting any younger. And so we’re all going to eventually get to a point in our lives where we probably need some assistance. Alright. And so, you know, that’s where assisted living can come in, and home health, and there’s lots of resources that can come in and be helpful.
Alan Helgeson:
So let’s start right away here, Karis. Let’s talk about who might be benefiting from what we’re going to be talking about. So those different groups – the caregiver relationships or those family members who might benefit from what we’re going to be talking about.
Karis Gust:
Honestly, just about everybody. If you’re young, if you’re in your teens, if you’re, maybe not in your teens, but if you’re an adult and you’ve got parents who are aging maybe you’ve got grandparents who are aging, you know, maybe you have a spouse. Maybe you yourself are older and you have an older spouse or an older loved one, or somebody, an aunt.
There’s all kinds of people who have family members or friends who are going through various transitions in their lives. Of course, assisted living targets, our audience is mostly elderly people. I mean, certainly 55 and over. I think this information can be helpful for anyone with a person in their life, regardless of the relationship, who is at a point where they might need some more assistance.
Alan Helgeson:
So for those caregivers, and if you are working with somebody that’s needing some different that you’re helping with – folks that have some health issues and you’re taking care of someone in the home, or maybe not in the home, but a family member, somebody – that there might come with some burnout and some stressors that come with doing that. Because life can be challenging when you’re adding on a lot of these things. And you talk to folks like that every day, right, Karis?
Karis Gust:
We do, yes. Every day. Sometimes we have a lot of our people who are caring for their parents, they are also working a full-time job. Maybe they’re trying to pay for their kids at college. They’re moving their kids in and out of college, but they’re also caring for Mom or Dad. You know? So there’s those stressors.
The stress of maybe it’s a spouse and they’re both getting older. One maybe has some health concerns. So, you know, then there’s that dynamic. So there’s all kinds of different ways that people come to a point where they say, boy, I really need some help. And oftentimes it doesn’t happen as soon as it maybe should.
Probably 80% of the residents that I talk to who are currently in assisted living, when they move in, they say, boy, I should have done this a long time ago. And that’s OK. It’s sometimes hard to hear because, you know, maybe they could have stayed in assisted living longer, or maybe they could have, I guess, I don’t know what it could have been.
But they realize the benefits of being in assisted living. They’re getting more support. They’re having opportunities to socialize with other people. And that’s something that they realize once they get there that had been severely lacking in their lives.
Alan Helgeson:
And it’s that 20/20 hindsight. But let’s talk about right now, today. And those caregivers that are feeling, you know, like they’re a little stretched thin, what are some things that you maybe counsel people on? What are some of those ways and some things that we can do right now that maybe we can do to manage stress?
Karis Gust:
So, different signs. I would say, first we need to identify the stress, right? How are we sleeping at night? Are we taking care of ourselves? Do we find that we’re a little bit maybe less patient than we used to be? We’re maybe more short. Maybe our family is saying to us, Mom, boy, you seem edgier. Or you seem, you don’t seem like yourself, and you just don’t feel like yourself and you’re investing time and you’re caring for your loved one. Sort of stepping back and just recognizing those signs is kind of the first thing.
And then the second thing is giving yourself permission to care for yourself. And that is critical. A lot of people who are caregivers, they put the other person first, but that’s the nature of a caregiver, right? We want to care for others. We want to make them better. We want to make their lives better. But we can’t be good caregivers unless we also take care of ourselves.
Alan Helgeson:
We really don’t do that. And I think that’s a pretty common thing you see in the upper Midwest too, right, Karis?
Karis Gust:
Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. We are horrible at taking care of ourselves. And you know, I started off my medical career as an ambulance person. I was an EMT, and one of the first things they told us is, do not injure yourself. Because if you injure yourself, we just have another patient, right?
And so the first thing was to focus on your own safety, which was counterintuitive because you were there to help, right? And to save and to care. But you also had to preserve your own safety so that you could do those things for the other person, so you could offer assistance and not also be a patient yourself.
So I like to think of it like, that’s almost the same thing that happens in a situation where we have a spouse, a couple, and where the wife or the husband is caring for one or the other. And they can become a patient themselves if they don’t look after themselves. So they don’t care for themselves. So they can provide care to the person who officially needs the care.
Alan Helgeson:
So Karis, what are some things we can do to care for ourselves then as we’re talking about that?
Karis Gust:
Great question. So the first thing we need to make sure we’re caring for ourselves physically, right? We need to get enough sleep, have enough hydration, proper nutrition, exercise, really take care of our bodies.
Second thing, get equipped. If our loved one that we’re caring for has mobility issues, we want to make sure that we have our home set up to facilitate that. The bed can, maybe we get a hospital bed that can go up and down so we don’t have to find ourselves lifting so much. Get the vehicle modified for an easier routine. Make sure that we can easily get Dad or Mom in and out of the car without endangering ourselves or our loved one.
Maintaining other interests. Take some time for yourself, even 15 minutes away can be rejuvenating. Maintain some of your hobbies. Do you like to play cards once a week with your friends? Don’t give that up. Make time for it. Because if you do, and I’ll talk to you moms out there. Remember when our kids were really little, all you mom caregivers, it’s not that much different. We were told you’ve got to take some time for yourself to be a better mom. And it’s the same thing with caregiving.
We really need to carve out that time for ourselves, even 15 minutes, and keeping those special activities and work activities and social activities to just have that sense of self still.
Alan Helgeson:
Let’s switch a little bit now and talk about how to cope when you and your spouse might have different health needs.
Karis Gust:
Sure. So a lot of times we see situations where one spouse maybe has health needs that aren’t quite as intense as another, as their spouse. And so in those situations, it’s difficult. You know, the healthier spouse may feel very obligated or like it’s their duty to really care for their spouse and they love them and they want to be with them, but their spouse needs a lot more care. And so they sort of, and often it happens very gradually and all of a sudden you realize, oh my goodness, like I am practically providing, Mom is practically providing nursing home level care to Dad, and Mom is 95 and frail. And is this really safe for either one of them?
And so that can be kind of a scary conversation. Maybe Dad has dementia and is wandering, and Mom isn’t sleeping because she’s so worried. And so that creates a really intense dynamic and a really hard one, I think, for families to navigate. And I think one of the greatest gifts that a family can give their parents in a situation like that, or any caregiver, is to give them permission to say, it’s OK to ask for help. It’s okay to look at or even visit some memory care or assisted-living locations or something like that. Just giving them permission to ask for help.
Alan Helgeson:
One thing that I noticed too, Karis though, is that when they stop doing things is that if they don’t do those things – those things they’ve always done – that’s a sign that they’re not valued anymore. Or they’ve always taken care of Dad in that way, or they’ve always made supper. You see what you’re saying?
Karis Gust:
Yes. And so that’s where family can come in and say, you know, Mom, you’ve made dinner for Dad for 55 years. It’s time for you to have a break. You deserve a break.
Alan Helgeson:
It’s all in managing the conversation.
Karis Gust:
It’s all in managing the conversation. Keeping it very positive, being very supportive. And, you know, if people are proud, they may insist on doing that, and you know, try to find some middle ground where you can say, let us get you some help. Even if it’s just bringing somebody in once a week to help you give Dad a shower so that it’s safer for both of you.
Alan Helgeson:
We’ve talked about some tools, and how to maybe help managing those. Are there things that you offer and some resources where we can maybe direct people to find more things like this to help them out?
Karis Gust:
Yes, absolutely. So a couple ways to do that. Certainly. I know a lot of us go on the internet and we do some search, and we might talk to our physician, or we might go on to, of course, I’m here from the Good Samaritan Society. We have a great website, good-sam.com.
There’s an 800 number on there that people can call and they can talk to our connection center folks and they will talk to them about different options and different service offerings that we have.
You know, we have a great home health line that can come in. They have people that can come in, help manage medications, they can help provide bathing assistance. They can even do some housekeeping.
You have services at home. There’s a lot of things that can be done that can help sustain and keep you safe in your home for longer.
There’s the temporary, the respite care where maybe Mom wants to go on vacation. Dad has, you know, some health care needs that don’t let him travel. And so he can go have a short stay in one of our assisted living buildings for respite care. Maybe, you know, a weekend, 10 days, something short. And then Mom can go or Dad can go and rejuvenate and rest and relax or maybe even have, I don’t know, a procedure done, what have you, take care of themselves.
And then, you know, Dad’s in, or Mom is in great hands being completely taken care of by staff. And then we come back and we go back to our normal cadence of life without having to make any drastic move out of our house. You know, downsize, anything like that. It’s just a temporary thing.
Alan Helgeson:
So really some great options and a variety of options. And again, where can people find out all these things? I mean, from just reading up on some resources to how to learn about all these options, where do they go again, Karis?
Karis Gust:
So good-sam.com has a lot of great resources for caregivers, for if you’re looking at different options, if you’re thinking about memory care, assisted living, or home health or hospice, we have all kinds of resources on there. There’s knowledge articles, there’s you name it. We have got all kinds of resources on there. That’s one place to look. I know caregiver.org is another good one to go to.
Alan Helgeson:
Now we want to switch the conversation. So we’re talking about caregivers looking after folks right now in their homes or however they’re managing those relationships and looking after their loved ones. Eventually it might come time to have that conversation. When do we ask the questions to consider it might be time to consider assisted living options?
Karis Gust:
I’ll say one thing first, when you’ve been into one assisted living, you’ve been into one assisted living. Every assisted living is a little bit different. And so finding an assisted living that is appropriate for you does require some research. And so we always encourage people to go and visit and look. And a lot of times you can have lunch at the facility. You can even, sometimes there’s a try out stay. Stay one night and see how it goes. You know, there’s all kinds of different options with that.
But how do we identify when it’s time for that? Well, first of all, I would advise don’t wait until you’re like, oh my gosh, Dad had a stroke and now he can’t walk anymore. And now we really have to move into assisted living. Or even go straight to the nursing home. Don’t wait until that point because then it’s a lot harder, you know, to actually choose a place that you want to live. You’re sort of stuck like wherever there’s –
Alan Helgeson:
Forced into a tough situation.
Karis Gust:
Yes. And that is so stressful. And it always happens like on Christmas Eve. Honestly, it’s just, it’s awful. It makes it a horrible transition for the loved one, for the person transitioning. It makes it horrible for the family. So as we age, start having a plan in the back of your head just knowing that if there would be a catastrophic fall, we live in the Midwest, there’s ice and snow and there’s always the potential that something …
Alan Helgeson:
Three seasons of the year (laugh).
Karis Gust:
Exactly. Yes. We have three seasons of winter and a month of summer. And so there’s always a chance that we could have a catastrophic event that would cause that. And so being prepared for that and just sort of having a plan in place ahead of time about, OK, we’ve checked out these places, you know, this is one that we really liked. We think we could be happy here. We don’t have to move in today, but we have a plan. So let’s get on the waiting list. Let’s just have that plan laid out.
When do we know? Well, I’ll give you an example from some of my own experience. The house that my loved one was living in – was getting elderly – had steep stairs to the basement. That’s where the washer and dryer were. Well it was getting, I couldn’t even hardly safely navigate the stairs.
And so, you know, at that point then it’s becoming much more difficult for my loved one to make it up and down the stairs to do laundry, well, right then and there, that is a safety risk. But it’s also going to start impacting that person’s personal hygiene. Maybe they don’t feel safe showering anymore on their own because they’re afraid they’re going to fall. Maybe they are falling and they’re not telling anyone because they’re afraid somebody’s going to make them move.
So really being transparent and open, maybe if we want, you know, are noticing that our loved one is getting thinner and they’re not trying to lose weight. That’s a sign that maybe we’re not taking good care of ourselves. More aches and pains, maybe being more tired all the time. Really paying attention to your loved one.
What’s the state of the house like? Did Mom always used to be a fastidious housekeeper, and now it’s just kind of rack and ruin? Open the fridge. What’s in the fridge? Is there food in the fridge? What’s Mom eating? You know, really thinking about those things and paying attention to what, you know, are we eating healthy? You know, regular meals, are there just pill bottles sitting everywhere? And it makes us wonder, is Mom taking the pills the way her medications as prescribed? Because that alone, we’ve had people move in who aren’t doing very well into assisted living and within a week they’re almost a hundred percent better because they’re eating three meals a day. They’re getting their medications on time. They no longer have to worry about cleaning their house or mowing the yard or doing their own laundry. It’s so freeing. So there’s all kinds of great things that can happen.
So one of the big things to consider, Alan, is the financial considerations.
And certainly that is a huge area of concern for a lot of people thinking about long-term care. It is expensive. There are a lot of different ways that that gets paid for, depending on the state that you live in. If you don’t have funding, many of our assisted living locations in Minnesota take the Elderly Waiver program, which is through the state of Minnesota. South Dakota has similar programs. There are funds available to assist with that. Certainly, you know, you can look at different cost options of, you know, can we make it work, staying in our home, bringing home health in. That might be a more affordable decision. But really looking at all of your options.
And that’s another reason why it’s really important to visit multiple locations because some assisted living providers have what we like to call the chandelier effect.
You walk in and you see the big price tag and it’s all fancy and it’s, everything’s just high end and it looks amazing. And then maybe you walk into an assisted living that isn’t quite as fancy. Maybe it’s not as new, but the staff are really kind, the price tag isn’t quite as high. They have good ratings on their, maybe their Google reviews. So there’s just a lot of different things. So, I guess my point is more is not necessarily more (laugh). So higher expense does not necessarily equate higher level of care. There are a lot of things to really go into it. There really are. And the price tag can be frightening.
But when you think about no longer having to pay insurance on your house, no longer having to pay for the upkeep on your home. So when you pay the flat fee in assisted living, you’re paying for health care, you’re paying for all the meals, you’re paying for all the activities and outings, and you’re paying for also the bricks and mortar around you and the maintenance of the bricks and mortar and the lawn care. I mean, everything. It’s all included in that price. So yes, the price tag does seem high, but you have to remember how much it includes.
Alan Helgeson:
I want to go to this next thing because what you said earlier, Karis, you talk about so many folks wait until it’s too late where you’re forced into something. You got to do it right away. Right away. So if this is apparent, we wait till it’s too late, how do you start that conversation? Because I think so many people are afraid to start this because no one wants to talk about it. How do you start it with a parent?
Karis Gust:
So the best way to go about doing it then, Alan, is to really sit down with your loved one, and sort of have the discussion going in a way and get to a point where it feels like it maybe is their idea to move into an assisted living. You know, Mom, wouldn’t it be great to just be able to walk down the hall or take Dad down and play bingo. A lot of our assisted living locations are putting in pubs, sports bars. I mean, you name it, the spa. There’s a pool. There’s a movie theater. I mean, there’s all kinds of amenities and you don’t have to drive anywhere. It’s right there. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to cook for yourself anymore?
I remember when my grandma moved into an assisted living. She thought she had moved into the Taj Mahal. I mean, she was like, I have had it made. She was so tired of cooking for one person. Her spouse had died years ago, my grandpa. And she’d been cooking by herself and living in her little tiny house for so long. And when she got into assisted living, they were preparing meals for her. She didn’t have to cook anymore. Her laundry was done for her. Everything was, she thought she had moved into a resort. She was thrilled and it was really a good thing for her at that point.
Unfortunately, we do have situations where people stay in their homes, and they aren’t taking their meds on time. They aren’t eating what they need to be eating. And that accelerates their decline into frailty. And having social isolation can lead to a hastening of the dementia process. So if we have early stage dementia, having more activity and more stimulation can really slow that process down.
Regular meals, regular eating, all of those things are so important to delaying the aging process. And that’s where assisted living can really, those vibrant communities and being part of a vibrant community can sometimes even reverse the aging process. And this is clinically shown when we talk about frailty and early-stage frailty can be reversed.
When we get to severe frailty, though, that cannot be reversed. And that’s when we get to a point where it’s no longer possible to reverse that. So recognizing those early stages of frailty, maybe we’re weaker than we used to be. You know, you get into assisted living, you have a regular exercise program you’re going to, and you don’t have to drive anywhere. It’s right there down the hall. You have physical therapy and occupational therapy right there who can come down and work with you in your apartment.
There’s all kinds of things that can help sustain you and even reverse that aging process. And so not waiting until the point where, honestly, Alan, we have a lot of cases where we assess somebody for assisted living. They need the nursing home. They bypass us completely.
Alan Helgeson:
You know, this rapid decline – this goes back to what you were saying about recognizing those signs, having that conversation earlier rather than when you’re forced to something in a difficult, quick, bad situation.
Karis Gust:
Correct. And so what I always tell people is, could we keep Dad or Mom safe here for now? Yeah. We could. Is it the best place for them? Not really. They’re isolated socially now. They can’t drive anymore, say, or they don’t feel comfortable driving anymore. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable. They’ve got some early dementia. They don’t feel comfortable being in a big crowd anymore. They don’t want to go out to big social gatherings like they used to. Maybe they need smaller group engagement.
And so they progressively become more and more socially isolated. And that leads to depression. It leads to self-neglect. It leads to all kinds of things. And, and especially if we have maybe somebody who’s caregiving, a spouse who has higher care needs, they feel very bound to the home and they can’t really leave or do the things that they used to enjoy.
And so then that contributes to their decline as well, to the point where they’re not able to safely care for Dad. And so it’s a fine balance, and every situation is completely different, but opening up those discussions and not being afraid to have those discussions and giving everyone around the table permission to just say it’s OK to not try and be a superhero and not try and do everything ourselves.
And maybe the best way to show love to Dad or Mom is to help them move into an assisted living where they can have all the support and care that they need. In our assisted livings, especially in Minnesota, we’ve got lots of blended assisted living. So we have couples who move in. Mom is completely independent, or Dad. So one person is receiving assisted living services, the other one is just living in the building as an independent resident. And they can come and go as they please knowing that Mom or Dad is safe in the building, that they’re having a meal, their beds are being passed, they’ve got eyes on the person and they can go and continue doing their activities in the community and that type of thing if they want to.
Alan Helgeson:
Oftentimes here we have adult children that are scattered across the U.S. And we know that with siblings, siblings never agree ever. Usually, you might have one or two that might be closer that are taking care of Mom or Dad, others are off maybe in other parts of the country and the burden may fall on that adult sibling that is here. Right? And when you’re having to have these discussions, it may not go well among these adult siblings.
When it comes time to have these conversations with Mom and Dad, how do you have that discussion among the siblings?
Karis Gust:
You know, Alan, that’s one of the hardest dynamics that we have to deal with, frankly. It really is.
Alan Helgeson:
Are there any tips for that? It is incredibly difficult. And maybe there aren’t.
Karis Gust:
(Laugh) I wish I had some. But what I can say is that it is very frustrating for the family, the children maybe who are close and who are seeing Mom on a daily basis. And so they have seen Mom’s decline. They understand what’s happening. They’re in the house, they smell the urine, they see the home in a state of disarray. They see the changes whereas, you know, the center daughter who’s living far away only talks to <om once a week on the phone and Mom’s lucid during that time or whatever, and they don’t see and they don’t smell. And so it’s difficult, if you haven’t been part of that, to accept, you know. I don’t want to call it denial necessarily, but not fully understanding or grasping the full extent of what’s going on.
And I don’t know how to fix that. Except to encourage that loved one to just come physically if they can, to come and be part of it. Maybe get on a Zoom call or a WebEx. Get on a FaceTime call and really have them show the home or try and get a better sense of the bigger picture. Because when we’re only remembering the way Mom was a year ago when we were here for a visit and now significant changes happened during that time, it’s almost impossible to fully grasp what that’s what’s actually going on. And recognizing that and affirming that that’s OK.
Alan Helgeson:
There are so many people that are going through that, right? So many folks, but there really isn’t a magic recipe for it.
Karis Gust:
There isn’t. And you know, I think some of those children who live far away probably feel guilty too, that they can’t be here more. And there’s so many reasons why they can’t. And so being kind to ourselves and understanding that it’s OK to maybe let go and be supportive. There’s no easy answers and every family dynamic is so different. Those are really tough. And I acknowledge that. And I think that those of us who are trying to help families through those discussions need to acknowledge and just affirm that that makes sense, that people feel that way. And it’s OK to try and be understanding of that.
Alan Helgeson:
Let’s switch topics now and change that whole topic to how do you have this conversation with a spouse on when it might be time to consider assisted living?
Karis Gust:
You know, I think being really honest and open with each other to the extent that you can, given that maybe one of you has dementia and just really opening up the discussion about if you’re still living in your own home and you’ve got steep stairs, you’ve got a yard that needs to be mowed and saying to your spouse, you know what, I don’t want to burden the kids with this.
We’re at a point where we really do need more help doing things. You know, I’m not as strong as I used to be, so trying to help you bathe. You know, I’ve got back issues or whatever it might be. Or it’s just getting harder to go out and get groceries. I don’t feel comfortable driving in the winter. Let’s start looking at a place where maybe we can get more help, where we don’t have to worry about mowing our yard anymore.
We don’t have to worry about cleaning our house anymore or doing our laundry or all the things that are just getting harder for me to do physically. Maybe I have a lot of arthritis in my hands and it’s really difficult for me even to wash dishes anymore. Let’s go and just visit. We don’t have to move in today. Like, let’s just go in and visit and see what services and offerings are out there and let’s look at prices and let’s talk.
It’s just opening up the discussion. You know, neither of us are getting any younger. I’ll speak for myself. When I get to that point, I don’t want to be a burden to my kids. My kids are like, oh, I’ll take care of you, Mom. And I’m like, I don’t want you to do that necessarily. And I know that there’s a lot of cultural dynamics and certainly this discussion gets very different when we have certain cultures where that’s very much the expected practice, and that’s OK too. And so for those situations, that’s maybe a separate discussion than this one, but really trying to bring then services as much as possible into the home as much as we can is probably the way to go.
Alan Helgeson:
And that goes back to the options that you offer too.
Karis Gust:
Yes, and we do have a lot of options. I guess just having an open discussion about, let’s really talk about where we’re at right now, and let’s not wait so long that we have to make a sudden move. Because it would be really nice for us to be able to have time to go through our stuff, to go through our belongings and maybe make sure that our grandkids get things that we really want them to have, that we involve our kids in maybe taking the things that are of value to them. And by the way, when you move into assisted living, you don’t have to get rid of all your stuff. You move in, you’re still going to be surrounded by the things that are important to you. You’ll still bring your family photos. You’ll have your favorite artwork on the wall. I mean, you’re still going to have all of your treasured items with you – probably less of them. But the things that are most important to you certainly can come with you to assisted living. But taking that time to downsize out of your home in a more proactive way than being forced to do it in a really quick way when something horrible happens is something that is best to avoid if possible.
Alan Helgeson:
When you’re having these conversations, talk about a few of those things that you should consider regardless of who you’re talking to, some of those things you want to make sure are part of it, like including empathy. What are some of those other things that are part of that?
Karis Gust:
Great question. So just really listening and opening it up into an open discussion and really talking about the challenges of, you know, Mom, you’re still living in the family home. You still have to clean and maintain the house and we’re, mowing the yard. We’re happy to continue doing those things, but I’m really concerned and using those, what I call “I messages,” using those concerns.
We’re really concerned that you’re not getting out to have coffee with the ladies like you used to. We’re concerned that you’re not able to go and play Mahjong like you used to and you loved Mahjong and it was your favorite, you looked forward to it. You had pinochle or you had whatever you had game night, used to do all these things with your friends and get out with the ladies and go shopping, do a shopping day. You don’t do those things anymore.
And you know, we understand that you’re really looking after Dad and that’s great. But we want to make it so that you can also still have some things for just you. So let us help you take care of you, is really a good way to put that.
And one way to do that is either bringing additional help into the house which is really the first place to start. Or saying, you know what, Mom, this house, it is not safe for you and Dad to be here anymore. The stairs, if you fell and broke a hip, what would happen to Dad? You could not take care of Dad because you would have to have surgery and then you’d be in a rehab facility to get physical therapy for your hip.
And what would happen with Dad? You’re taking care of him. We all work full-time. We need to make sure that we have resources in place in case something like that happens. So let’s talk about assisted living or let’s talk about what we kind of a plan we can have in place. Let’s go look at a few places just to see. Sort of really having those frank discussions because it’s always an unexpected thing when that happens. You know, Mom, you’re Dad’s sole caregiver. So let’s talk about what happens if something happens to you and let’s also talk about your quality of life.
So really opening up that dialogue and just expressing concern for Mom and your love for Mom or Dad, whoever’s the primary caregiver, and really encouraging them to just consider it. And let’s just visit. You don’t have to move today, but let’s talk about how much stress that would take off your life.
Alan Helgeson:
Karis, thank you for sharing such great information today. As people are considering caregiver burnout and when it might be time to consider assisted living, we talked about those resources and just a bunch of information and how to learn more about this. Can you share with us where to find out more?
Karis Gust:
So I would recommend first going to a place near and dear to my heart, which is good-sam.com. We have great resources on there, lots of knowledge articles, lots of good information that can help point you in that direction. There’s an 800 number (866-528-8240) on our website that will give you the connection center, and we have counselors and consultants on those lines that can help you discuss your care needs and where you’re at or where your loved one is at, and help you understand the different service offerings that we can offer to support you wherever you’re at in your journey.
Alan Helgeson:
Karis Gust, our guest today. Thank you so much for being here.
Karis Gust:
Thank you so much for having me.
Cassie Alvine (announcer):
This episode is part of the “Health and Wellness” series by Sanford Health. For additional podcast series by Sanford Health, listen on Apple, Spotify, and news.sanfordhealth.org.
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