Young school-aged children are learning to assert themselves. This may come across as being defiant as they resist obeying directives they’ve been given.
As frustrating as this can be, it helps to understand that such behaviors are typical. It’s common for children at this age to test parental guidelines and expectations as an expression of their need to be independent.
Your child may not throw a temper tantrum; instead, your child may act as if they didn’t hear you and simply not do what you requested. Or your child may drag their feet complying with your request. You may hear the phrases, “That’s not fair!” or “Dad would let me do it” or “Mom would let me do it” depending on who they are talking to.
Consider these tips to guide your child through moments of defiance.
Ask why.
Ask your child why they won’t do what you have asked. Knowing what is behind the defiance can be insightful. Your child’s answer may lead to a simple, reasonable change in something. For example, your child may not want to wear blue jeans because your child can’t run as fast in them; sweatpants are an easy fix.
Choose your battles.
Determine what really matters versus something that is just a matter of preference or opinion. For example, what to wear may not be worth a battle if your child’s clothing choice is still weather appropriate.
Hold your child accountable.
Children need to be held accountable to family rules, school rules, tasks, etc. When holding your child accountable, be consistent and give age-appropriate consequences for not complying with the rule or completing a task. Meaningful consequences vary depending on the child. Consequences might include such things as limiting screen time or removal of a privilege.
Avoid power struggles.
Sometimes your child’s tone or choice of words may trigger you to escalate. Verbalize your own desire to speak to your child calmly. Let your child know that you may need a moment to become calm and ready to communicate.
Don’t engage in the argument.
Your child is likely trying to take your attention away from the directive. If you argue back, the situation may only escalate. Instead, calmly restate your directive and the consequence for not following it. Follow through on the consequence if your child doesn’t comply with your directive.
Provide opportunities for independence.
Your child is told to do things all day long — “brush your teeth,” “line up,” “get in the car.” Give opportunities for your child to make choices when possible. Can you compromise on whether homework needs to be completed before supper or after? Perhaps your child can decide the family dinner menu one night a week.
Defiance is a normal and important part of childhood development. Children will learn more about themselves and become more independent through decision making and understanding the consequences of those decisions, whether they are positive or negative.
Look for opportunities to teach them about making better choices. With some patience, understanding, guidance and time, your child will learn that defiance is not the answer to getting what they want.
For personalized answers to your parenting questions, email parenting@sanfordhealth.org.
Learn more
- Stop the power struggles in your home
- How to get your preschooler to listen
- Help your child develop an attitude of gratitude
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Posted In Children's, Family Medicine, Parenting
