Sometimes it is difficult for parents to recognize the many stressors toddlers are facing. Parents have so many stressors of their own: Keeping the kids safe, fed, clean and under control is enough to keep parents very focused on their own needs.
However, toddlers experience large amounts of stress, whether parents are tuned into it or not. They are learning many new things every day. Meanwhile, they were not born with any coping skills at all. When stressors build up and coping skills are not intentionally taught, aggression is a very natural response. Aggression may look like hitting, throwing objects, biting, or kicking.
There are ways to prevent or lessen aggressive behaviors from toddlers.
Learn about your child’s stressors
The first step is for parents to recognize their children can’t figure out their coping skills on their own.
Next, parents need to understand their children’s stressors. Learning about their child’s temperament and understanding child development can help to pinpoint more of the triggers that cause children’s stress. (For more information about temperament, check out our class “Why I Do What I Do.”)
Then, whenever possible, parents can:
- Try to avoid triggering situations
- Give a verbal warning to the child of triggering situations
- Prepare appropriate options for coping with stress before stressors arrive
The point is not to completely avoid experiencing stress. Experiencing stress can be a great motivator and teacher. Children can be driven to work on their problem-solving skills and independence with our encouragement, or they can strengthen bad habits of aggression when given improper guidance.
Even worse, we can unintentionally give positive reinforcement to aggressive behaviors.
One of the most enjoyable games for toddlers is being chased. They see it as fun and a way to get attention from parents. An example of this might be when a child is making poor choices, so a parent tries to take them by the hand to control the situation, and the child runs away laughing. The child creates a “chase me” game out of the parent’s attempt at discipline.
Despite parents’ anger, yelling, threats or the harshest reaction they can think of, the child may still engage in negative behaviors because they feed off the engagement they get from you.
Control your own emotional energy
The best method parents have with behaviors they do not want to see is removing their attention and emotional energy. This looks like a parent willing to take a child gently by the hand, showing they are in control of the situation.
It’s also a parent avoiding a strong emotional reaction, showing that the parent is in control of themselves. A firm reminder of the behavior expectation (“We use nice hands” or “Hands are for gentle touches”) is helpful and may need to be repeated several times.
It is possible the aggression escalates as the child tries to get a big reaction from the parent. Consider creating a barrier between you and your child, such as stepping over a baby gate. This can create physical distance so the child cannot hurt the parent, but the parent is still present.
Teaching and practicing ways of coping with big feelings is our best remedy to avoid aggressive outbursts. When aggressive behaviors happen, give reminders to your child of ways they can calm down. Time alone in a “cozy corner” with some comfort items and toys or a time in with a parent giving a big hug or inviting your child to sit on your lap are two options parents can use.
To learn more about helping children manage feelings, check out our class “Help Me Manage My Feelings.”
Learn more
- Self-control is a struggle for toddlers
- Why little kids hit, push and scream
- Responsive parenting: 3 steps to meet your child’s needs
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Posted In Children's, Family Medicine, Parenting
