It’s been another long day. Your young children fought over their toys, your middle kids taunted and tattled, and those older ones never stopped picking and poking. You long for peace in the family! But your children can’t stop fighting, and you don’t know what more you can do.
Sibling rivalry affects every family. Unfortunately, this is a natural progression in child development and your parental journey. Even children who have great relationships with brothers and sisters disagree and argue. In fact, many siblings smile at each other one minute and snarl the next.
Sibling rivalry typically develops because siblings compete for their parents’ love and respect. Problems often start right after the birth of a second child when the first child doesn’t get as much attention anymore. As children grow, their competition and rivalry changes, often continuing into the teen years and changing dynamics as the family grows. Unwanted behaviors may include hitting, name-calling, bickering, jealousy and fighting.
Moderate levels of sibling rivalry can actually be healthy because it indicates the child feels comfortable in the family and with expressing personal needs and wants. As much as possible, it’s best to let them work out their differences without your intervention.
Take steps to minimize conflict in the home
Each of your children is different. While it is important to treat children equally, that does not mean you treat each of them or each situation the same. Learn to know each child well and take into account the age, maturity level and personality traits that influence each child’s behavior. Provide positive encouragement to each child and let your children know that you appreciate their individuality and that it’s OK they are different.
Conflict diminishes when children feel cared about and important to the family. Set aside time for each child individually and plan enjoyable family time together. Eat meals as a family and keep mealtime conversation pleasant. Help your children follow a schedule that meets their needs. When they are bored, hungry or tired, you are more likely to see disagreements erupt.
Parents are children’s role models. The way you resolve problems between you and your partner or with other adults increases the chance that your child will model those tactics during conflict. How parents get along and handle personal stress can make a huge difference in how siblings get along. So, if you set a positive, respectful example that is still productive, they understand conflict doesn’t have to be angry. But if you shout, scream and slam things around when you are angry, they are likely to follow that lead. Also, stress in your lives is likely to decrease the amount of attention you give your children, which in turn is likely to increase rivalry between them while each tries to gain your attention.
Why do your children fight?
Many factors contribute to answering this question. Jealousy and competition are obvious causes for bickering, but lots of other underlying reasons also exist. Children develop a personal individualism as they grow. As they explore interests and activities, they may feel compelled to get siblings’ approval or admiration. When that doesn’t happen, a squabble ensues.
Children who feel they are getting less of a parent’s time or uneven amounts of parental attention may fight for what they feel is their share. If the parents are divorced or the child lives in a blended family, the child may compete for the attention of a particular parent or try to draw attention away from stepsiblings that live in a home. This drive for a parent’s attention isn’t always a conscious decision.
Also, children’s ability to get along with siblings is impacted by age, sex and temperament. For instance, children close in age are more likely to battle than children with more age distance between them. Children of the same sex are likely to have more similar interests, but they often are also more likely to compete against each other.
Temperament plays a large role too. For instance, siblings that want the same amount of attention may resent a child who needs lots of comfort and love. A toddler with an easygoing personality may not even respond negatively when a sibling grabs a toy away; another toddler in the same situation may have a tantrum. Some children don’t know how to get attention from a sibling, so they pick a fight instead. And in families where a child is ill or has issues that require more parental time, other siblings may act out both from fear of what is happening with this sibling and because they are not getting as much parental attention.
As children age, the interactions will change. For example, toddlers naturally protect their toys. They are also learning how to express themselves. So if a sibling takes a toy belonging to them, they are going to protest. By school age, your child understands the concept of fairness and sharing. However, at this age the child is more likely to notice if one sibling gets more attention. Attention grabbing behavior may follow. Then comes the teen years when children are striving to become independent. Conflict is more likely to center on things like having to share household chores or caring for younger siblings.
Younger children usually fight physically while older children spar verbally. Competitiveness between siblings peaks between ages 10 and 15. Unfortunately, in some families, sibling rivalry lasts long into adulthood and can fracture families.
What should a parent do?
Setting ground rules with consistent consequences can help prevent or stop many disagreements. Discuss the rules, the reasons for them and the possible consequences with your children. For instance, if children fight over toys, the consequence could be that the toy gets moved out of reach from both of them for a certain period of time.
Here are some suggested ground rules. Depending on the hot spots in your home, you may have some others to add.
- No hitting, kicking, pinching or physical abuse
- No name-calling
- No shouting or tattling
- No fighting over toys
- No fighting in the car
- No making fun of a sibling who is being disciplined
- No borrowing things from a sibling without the sibling’s permission
Also, notice when conflicts occur in your family. For instance, if there are certain times of the day when a child appears tired or hungry and becomes crabby, you may be able to avoid conflict through changes in routine. Plan an earlier meal or arrange a quiet, restful activity.
When does a parent intervene?
You should observe your children’s conflicts to be sure that no one gets hurt and there is no real abuse. If the teasing or bickering becomes relentless, particularly unkind and/or if one child is always on the receiving end, you should confront the issue. Allowing it to continue can contribute to the aggressor thinking it’s OK to behave like that with all children and to the sibling who is on the receiving end to suffer from low self-esteem.
Intervene immediately if the fight is becoming dangerous by separating the children. When they are calm again, talk about what you observed. Make it very clear violence is never allowed in any disagreement.
Here are some tips for managing conflict:
DO
- Intervene earlier with younger children because they don’t yet have problem-solving skills. When they calm down, ask each child to tell you what happened before you determine discipline.
- With all ages, listen to all sides of the story before you make any decisions regarding consequences.
- Be fair. Give children privileges that are appropriate for their ages and try to be consistent. For example, children need some structure such as bedtime. If you allow the oldest child to stay up until 10 p.m. by a certain age, then successive children should have the same rule. Older and younger children may have different privileges due to age, but if they understand this is age-related, they will view it as being fair.
- Even though you try to be fair, there will be times a child complains that you are not. Explain your decisions and tell your children that you are making decisions based on the individual needs and circumstances.
- When praising one of your children for a positive response to a conflict, describe how it is a good solution. But don’t compare it to how or what the other sibling does or did.
- Observe disagreements and find solutions that will avoid similar future disagreements. If your children fight over who has to do which family chores, create a schedule. Include consequences for not following the schedule.
- Try to set up family situations that encourage cooperation among children. For instance, involve them in preparation for the evening meal and set up situations that have them work cooperatively to set the table. Offer positive reinforcement for working so well together.
- Help your children develop skills to work out their conflicts without your intervention. Show them how to talk about their feelings without resorting to name-calling or yelling. Teach them about sharing, playing together, compromise and respect for one another and for each other’s possessions. Give them the tools they need now because they will use these throughout their lives. As they resolve conflicts with each other successfully, they will also have fewer conflicts.
- Truly listen to your children when they complain about what is happening in the family and how they feel it is unfair to them. Even if it’s just a few minutes, try to spend time alone with each child every day and to focus on things that are of interest to that child. Tell your children you love them and let them know they can talk to you about anything. Children truly do respond better if they sense parents care how they feel.
- Have family meetings to work out sibling issues. Use these get-togethers to help your children learn about the give-and-take of human relationships. Establish ground rules, such as no shouting, accusing and name-calling. Each person must be allowed to talk without interruption. Each family member must treat others respectfully. As parents, share your experiences with siblings growing up and how you resolved them. However, if you have poor relationships with your adult siblings, this isn’t a good idea because your child will notice and think that their relationships won’t improve. Conclude the family meeting with something you all do together that is fun.
DON’T
- Do not take sides in disagreements. Do not blame one child for family disputes or compare your children. Comparing a child to other siblings can make that child feel hurt and insecure.
- Avoid disciplining the offender in front of the others. Take the child aside to discuss the behavior.
- Don’t yell or lecture. Don’t demand to know who started the argument. When ground rules are broken, hold children equally responsible.
When does a parent need outside help?
Sometimes, home conflicts can become more than daily stressors. Seek professional assistance in these situations:
- If a child’s behaviors are consistently negative and there hasn’t been success in getting that child to change behavior
- If your children regularly use physical force against each other
- If one child is always the victim of the other
- If one child is frightened of another sibling
- If a child becomes withdrawn, seriously anxious, depressed or begins performing poorly at school
Potential symptoms that children display differ depending on personality and temperament. Common symptoms include:
- Declines in school performance and/or poor grades, even when the child appears to be trying to succeed.
- Decreased interest in activities that the child previously enjoyed and participated in.
- Less interest in spending time with family and friends.
Age also plays a large role. For instance, a child may have nightmares or become hyperactive; while, a teenager is more likely to have mood swings, become aggressive or begin abusing substances. However, each child may experience symptoms differently. Knowing when to seek treatment is also an important part of successful parenting and a fulfilling home life.
All of your hard work is worth it!
By balancing your time between children, by providing proper discipline and limits and by demonstrating productive conflict-resolution strategies in your own life, you children with develop the necessary skills to be successful.
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Posted In Children's, Health Information, Parenting, Women's
